analytical demise *part one

The air is opaque tonight. I can't see a thing past my nose and it matches my mood. I try to glance at my watch to check the time and when I realize I can't see it, I also realize it doesn't matter. He'll be here, for sure he'll be here.

When the thickness of the air starts to compromise my lungs, I go inside and grab a table. The waiter approaches and before he greets me or even stops he asks what I want to drink. I hesitate and use the silence to force eye contact with him. When he finally sees me, he appears inconvenienced that I took another moment of his time.

"Tea, please."

Minutes pass and a couple walks in. They're holding hands and she glances up at him every so often just to smile. He seems to have no idea how lucky he is - it almost appears that he doesn't realize the interlocking of their fingers. She's just a pet, but she doesn't seem to mind. It seems as though she prefers it this way - no respect, recognition or appreciation is required, just someone to parade around with convinces her she isn't lonely. Ignorance is bliss, I suppose. They order, he pays, they leave. This kills me. I smile for the first time today thinking about women who believe he cares just because he pays. It's absurd and seems like prostitution to me. What's worse though is they're not only prostituting their bodies but also their minds and hearts. I start to wonder what love is like in communist nations when all of a sudden I hear myself saying "stop". I know why I said it too. My thought trains tend to get me in trouble because I have proven to myself that I don't know when to stop. I can turn an intelligent, genuine thought into an irrational pile of words with no meaning.

Without a moment to spare, he walks in. I immediately stand to greet him and am forced onto my toes for the hug. He towers over me in a way that makes me feel like I could fit inside him. That thought alone makes me feel safe in his presence. His confidence is so contagious it makes me feel sexy instantly and his smile is so intoxicating that all negative thoughts disappear.

I remember what I came here for and get right to it.

"I need you out of my life. You are everything I could ever want and make me happier than any person ever has. You're smart and you're funny - but you're empty."

He's looking at me like he wants to laugh at a bad joke but is silenced by a petrifying fear that I'm being serious. I saw him pulling himself together to speak but before he could I continued.

"The words you use are empty. The things you feel are empty. By the untrained eye, you're smooth - but I see how your actions are gauged by the people around you. I need someone who is going to be consistent and proud of what they have to offer.

Silence.

Don't you see? You are the worst kind of offender because you have everything to offer but nothing to give. You - sweet, beautiful, smart you -are empty. I love what you have the potential to be and I already miss what I thought you were. I need for you to be out of my life."

I stood up while he stared at me in disbelief. I threw a few dollars on the table, kissed his lips and left.

Loved this...

He thought of all the living species that train their young in the art of survival, the cats who teach their kittens to hunt, the birds who spend such strident effort on teaching their fledglings to fly - yet man, whose tool of survival is the mind, does not merely fail to teach a child to think, but devotes the child's education to the purpose of destroying his brain, of convincing him that thought is futile and evil, before he has started to think.

From the first catch-phrases flung at a child to the last, it is like a series of shocks to freeze his motor, to undercut the power of his conciousness. "Don't ask so many questions, children should be seen and not heard!" - "Who are you to think? It's so because I say so!" - "Don't argue, obey!" - "Don't try to understand, believe!" - "Don't rebel, adjust!" - "Don't stand out, belong!" - "Don't struggle, compromise!" - "Your heart is more important than your mind!" - "Who are you to know? your parents know best!" - "Who are you to know? Society knows best!" "Who are you to know? The bureaucrats know best!" - "Who are you to object? All values are relative!" - "Who are you to want to escape a thug's bullet? That's only a personal prejudice!"

Men would shudder, he thought, if they saw a mother bird plucking the feathers from the wings of her young, then pushing him out of the nest to struggle for survival - yet that was what they did to their children.


- Ayn Rand
Atlas Shrugged

repeatrepeatrepeat

Its weird, you know. How you can be so sure of something only for it to be disproved after years of believing.
I recognize I've been walked on for a very long time and I realize that I should have seen it sooner. I decided to trust you over me.

What am i doing? still wasting time complaining about it instead of doing what everyone is telling me to do. Everyone includes me, but not you. You have never said to me "get over it"


Say the words that I need to hear,
or just get out of my fucking life.
I deserve better than you.

paranoia vs. tolerance

When will I ever be good enough?
What an absurd question.

It isn't about good enough, it's about how much you can take. Take all the shit that they give you and don't forget to hold it in (thats the most important part). I caught them pleasuring themselves furiously over my misery. I let it happen. I let it come to this. The warning signs were there and for fucks sake, I thought I was stronger than them. Today I admit defeat and I cry for the loss of my soul. I will become a drifter, a loner. I'll have no one left to trust but myself: the way I should have lived all along.

Who or what are these soul sucking forces, and who bestowed upon them this undeserved power? They are the ones that can hold you back from living, from loving, from being. They come in many shapes, sizes, colors and all forms of matter. The most deceitful are the beautiful ones. The ones that catch your eye, the ones that seem out of place in a mundane existence. BEWARE! TURN BACK! Oh, but come closer!

Maybe I am sensitive and maybe you won't admit that you are, but you are - I know you are.
Maybe things affect me easier than they affect you, but they affect you - I know they do.

You need me to survive and I am cutting the umbilical cord.

as if you didn't already know..

Lost without the one who made me who I am
How do you explain to someone all they've done for you without inflating their ego with the very air that holds yours in tact?
This is no romantic love, or - not yet. I want to repay you by taking away all that has left you filled with doubt.
It's been years and it's now or never. now or never.
maybe just a little bit longer..

After his words, his thoughts, his existence - I most admire his lips.
The luscious curvature I have come to know so well with out ever coming into contact with.
It isn't solely the aesthetics of his smile that's appealing,
This is where the birth of his thoughts occur.
This is where his laugh explodes.
This is where I want to be.

too close for comfort - part I

She had herself cornered.
"You're a wonderful story teller..." she began, as quickly as she stopped.
"What I'm trying to say is that I believe you. I know it's wrong, with every fiber of my being, to believe you. Even if you are telling the truth, your track record says otherwise." She said, half smiling.
What she wasn't admitting, was that she liked the words that came out of his mouth. Believing them, as is, made her feel that anything was possible. Unfortunately, the words had nothing to stand or fall back on - no structure, no stability. She sometimes imagined them floating in the air, in disarray - trying to piece together their true meaning.
The letters that make the word 'petrified' also make up the word 'free'.
The word 'live' is just the word 'evil' backwards.


She & He. Him & Her. They both knew how to phrase sentences that admit and deny everything at the same time. Sometimes he was controversial just to play devil's advocate. If she was caught off guard by a comment, a joke, an action - you'd think the world screamed "cut!" just so she could seamlessly decide on her comeback.


They both wonder the same thing...

Where is the line?

bad influence

Up, up, away
Got me scared straight
Bring me back down
Face to the ground
I don't want to fly
Not with you by my side